21days

it's weird I constantly have this feeling every saturday.

the day my dad passed away.

three weeks ago.

baru 21 hari yang lalu.

di kepala terus menerus muter kejadian hari Sabtu itu.

dari tengah malam tadi, sampai nanti jam 16.27

I can recalled each minutes of it. How do I feel.

Cuaca saat itu, bau yang menguar hari itu.

Bunyi tombol-tombol telp. 

Perasaan masgyul telp ga diangkat.

Perasaan i know this is it. this is the time.

The look on the doctor face.

the sweat on his palm

the eyes of my mom the minutes the doctor told her that my dad was gone already.

The gestures she made against the wall.

I failed to hold my tears, setiap kali inget hari itu.

I still able to recall how warm my dad was, though they said he's gone already.

I still able to remember every inch of his skin the time we bathe him for the last time.

how i feel ashamed that it has to be witnessed by so many people.

how I want to scream to them, It's someone took a bath, god damn it! go away!

i want to protect my father's pride. 

but it's not my dad anymore, it's the body.

and they're paying respect for him for the last time.

masih inget di kamar jenazah , ngurusin ini itu, ditemenin sepupu, sampai mindahin jenasah papa ke peti. berat. my dad was a heavy man. haha.

masih inget tangan papa terkulai lemas waktu dipindahkan dari bed ke peti.

how i have to put it back on his chest

How i signed his dead certificate, the receipt to brought him home.

apa Papa juga melakukan hal yang sama di hari anak-anaknya lahir, datang ke dunia?

dan sekarang gue yang harus tanda tangan di surat keterangan kematiannya, mengiyakan kalau kami sekeluarga tau papa udah pergi?

i failed to say the pray.

gue ga tau apa yang musti didoakan. he's gone for good.

udah ga sakit lagi kan, Pa?

I miss you so, so, so

*thanks for everything abt me. you gave me a lot of you inside me.

*probably i would never be able to stop to grieve, but I wont stop to live the life.