Midnight lil note

Salah satu hal yang paling ngebuat gue ngerasa bersalah ke Nyokap adalah karena dia ngga pernah berhenti nyoba untuk deketin dirinya ke gue. Dia ngga berhenti minta gue hang out sama dia, entah itu sekedar di depan TV atau jalan bareng ke mall. Every time she comes to my room and I said "no", it does hurt me too.

Jangan kira gue ngga deket sama nyokap. Kita jalan bareng sering banget kok. Tapi trivial banget buat gue. Dia bisa cerita panjang lebar tentang segala masalahnya, dan gue bersyukur dia bisa percaya kalau gue pendengar/pemberi nasihat yang baik. Sayangnya keadaannya ngga timbal balik. Gue mau menempatkan diri gue sesuai dengan tingkat kenyamanan dia atau belajar diam walaupun gue ngga setuju. Dia ngga bisa.

Gue dan nyokap punya kepribadian yang bener-bener berbeda dimana dia ngga bisa ngerti kenapa gue ngga kayak seperti anak cewek kebanyakan atau mungkin seperti yang dia harapkan. Dia ngga ngerti kenapa gue bisa ngga perduli dengan belanja pakaian, sepatu atau tas. Dia ngga ngerti kenapa andaikan ada hal-hal yang gue suka pun, ngga persis sama dengan imajinasi dia apa yang "anak perempuan" seharusnya suka. Padahal gue tomboy atau butch juga ngga segitunya kok. I do feel comfortable being in between.

Terlebih, karena gue tau dia ngga akan pernah bisa nerima kalau gue Queer. So when it comes down to it, I don't really wanna be around people who can't accept me for who I am. Because I like who I am.

Ketika mau prank, malah balik gue yang shock (updated)

Malin masuk kamar gue karena mau ijin jalan keluar.

Malin: Kak..tadi masuk kamar ya? (cengenges)

Gue: Iya (nyengir ga enak). Gapapa sih..asal you're not doing anything more than that (sambil ngelambai tangan dismissing)

Malin: Ngga ko. Suer itu baru pertama kali lebih dari kissing (bisik-bisik karena pacarnya ada di luar)

Gue: Boong.

Malin: Ih suer.

Gue: Ah ya terserahlah. Gue sih santai aja asal jangan lah lebih dari itu (sok jadi kakak yang baik, padahal...ya gue mau ngomong apa coba? "Safe sex ya"??)

Lalu basa-basi tentang dia potong rambut dan ngingetin jangan pulang kemaleman sambil turun ke bawah mau ngunciin pintu.

Malin: Dia (si pacar) sampe kabur. Malu ketemu kakak.

-Kita berdua cekikikan-

Gue: Tau ngga, tadi gue mau ngagetin lo pake topeng halloween. Udah pake bawa-bawa tongkat pula. Eh gue yang kaget.

-Ngakak berdua-

Ketika mau prank, malah balik gue yang shock

So this literally JUST happened. Gue baru beli topeng Halloween dan ceritanya mau nakut-nakutin ade gue. Dengan PD-nya gue keluar kamar dengan topeng terpasang dan kacamata berembun karena kena napas gue. Sambil ngangkat tongkat, gue jalan berjingkat, merhatiin suara untuk nyari tau ade gue ada dimana. Ceritanya dengan topeng nyeremin dan tongkat jadi senjata, gue berharap ngagetin si Malin.

Terus gue denger suara dari dalem kamarnya dan suara musik dia kepasang kenceng.

Pelan-pelan gue buka pintunya sambil ngintip dan liat ada kaki dia di tempat tidur. Pintu gue buka makin lebar tanpa suara dan gue berdiri disitu dengan topeng terpasang dan tongkat teracung kayak lagi megang tongkat baseball...

Masalahnya karena kacamata gue berembun dan kamar dia gelap, gue ga bisa ngeliat jelas. Ada kali gue sekitar lima detik (coba lo itung deh, lima detik itu LAMA), nungguin reaksi dia, karena gue pikir dia lagi tidur.

Akhirnya gue ngebetulin posisi topeng gue dan kacamata gue mendadak jelas. Dan yang gue liat?

Cewek (yang mungkin pacar atau mantannya, gue udah ngga tau lagi itu siapa dan track relationship-nya) di atas ade gue, lagi kissing..lagi make out. Dan gue langsung shock.

Dengan sisa tenaga yang ada untuk buat otak gue kerja, gue mundur pelan-pelan sambil nutup pintu kamarnya dan jalan balik ke kamar masih dengan perasaan shock.

Brengsek. Bukan Making-out nya yang gue shock. Karena itu ade gue sendiri dan malah gue yang kaget setengah mati.

Brengsek.  *Ketawa sambil gemeter*

Thank you, Glee (Glee to me)

Glee is ending this Saturday and I think it's only right if I make a post about it. Glee has been one of the most influencing show in my adult life, especially my queer adult life and it's definitely hard to see it go after 6 years of being a very good best friend.

Sepertinya gue udah pernah cerita gimana pertama kali gue kenal Glee dan bagaimana ceritanya berlanjut dengan meracuni seorang Lushka yang susah banget nyangkut dengan satu TV seri. And it didn't stop there. There was a time when every week Lushka and I meet up, we would watch the episode that week together, entah itu di kafe dengan laptop atau di rumah gue. Bahkan gue dan Lushka pernah nonton 9 episode pertama Glee sambil nyanyi-nyanyi kayak orang gila karena hapal lagu-lagunya hehe..Ada masanya dimana gue hanya dengerin lagu-lagu Glee (yang saat itu masih "hanya" sebanyak 100 lagu) non-stop. Bahkan di mobil sampe satu keluarga gue juga hapal mati sama lagu-lagu Glee.

 

Then things got difficult for me..and while everyone seems to be confused of how to handle me or even walked away, Glee was there. Granted, it was more like I was there to cling to it. I was obsessed beyond weird dan gue inget Lushka capek denger gue ngomongin Glee ngga berhenti. Every fanvid, every interview, every article, every meme, every inside jokes about Glee, I knew it all. You name it. Glee was my way of coping so I didn't decide to just end everything right there and then. It was easier to laugh and cry about some fictional character's life than about myself. So yea, when a lot of gleeks say that it isn't JUST a show, I have to agree.

Glee yang pertama ngenalin gue dengan dunia fangirl lebih gila lagi. Fandom, OTP, shipping, fanfiction (there was a time where I was horribly sick and I couldn't get up from bed at all for a whole month, Glee fanfiction was my absolute companion. Therefore kudos to ALL Glee fic writers!). Sakit yang berikutnya ketika gue kejebak di tempat tidur lagi pun yang nemenin gue adalah tiga full seasons DVD original Glee.

Glee juga yang pertama kali nunjukkin kalau antara casts bisa jadi keluarga dan temen terdeket. We love them not as a celebrities, but like a friend. I would like to thanks the casts for being super sexually fluid too so it is easier for us to ship you with whoever we want =P

But most of all, Glee introduced me with a lot of friends from all around the world (my current girlfriend included <3). Ngga ada batas usia, orientasi seksual, pekerjaan, OTP (yea, this matters lol) atau jenis kelamin/gender. We were friends not just because we like the same particular TV show or characters but because we believe the idea of what Glee offers. Acceptance to be unique, caring with each other and the love of music to be a big part of our life.

 

When Cory died, millions of gleeks felt the same devastation. Even until now every time we heard his voice in a song or his face on the screen as Finn. Yea, I know, his character is kind of a jerk but Cory was the one we truly missed. He was the face of reality just like Robin Williams did.

Glee was the first family primetime tv show that introduced a canon teen-lesbian cheerleader couple and it was all not because they intended it to be. The Gleeks were the one who pushed it to make it happen. Brittana will now be a legend in LGBT TV show. 

Glee fandom was the first one who won one poll after another of TV favorite couples when the couple themselves are non-canon and fabulously gay. For that, I give my deepest bow of respect to the Faberry fandom. 

Glee also the first one who put a teen transgender character as one of their main and my adoration to the show just grew bigger and bigger. These are just a very minor thing about Glee because I cant list every single thing Glee has tried to be a (fail) PSA all through the years LoL

Glee didn't just help me loving myself more, it also raised up my mood even in the most shittiest condition. In the end, even though it looks like gleeks were only living through the glorious and dramatic life of the characters, we know that each of those characters at one point was us and they remind us that we're not alone. That there is always a way. A friend. A future.

If you look up "Glee to me" all over the internet, you'll find thousands of similar stories like mine because that's how important this show is. I can't possibly put everything I love about this show into one article but I guess this would be enough to summarize what I can think of right now.

Now I'm just gonna back to weep in the corner listening to "I lived", yea? XD

Big hugs to the Glee fandom <3